As a newly minted member of mustachioed America, I feel it's my duty to lend my voice to the growing citizen-led call for the Stache Act, the Stimulus To Allow Critical Hair Expenses. I'm only sorry I won't also be able to take part in the Million Mustache march coming up April 1 in D.C.
For those unaware of the critical role mustaches play in our nation's economy, the Stache Act may seem superfluous or unnecessary. Luckily, we have visionaries such as Dr. John Yeutter of Northeastern State University, who eloquently laid out the rationale in his 2011 white paper "Mustached Americans and the Triple Bottom Line: An Analysis of the Impact of the Mustache on Modern Society and a Proposal for a Mustached American Tax Incentive."
According to Yeutter, recent studies have determined that mustached American households earn $2,730 more than bare-lipped American homes. As a result, Yeutter concludes, "the Mustached American pays in excess of $675 more than his or her clean-shaven counterpart." Mustaches, in other words, mean more taxes paid into our federal coffers. With this in mind, Yuetter and the folks at the American Mustache Insitute agree, an annual $250 tax deduction is clearly called for, to help pay for the necessities used each year to maintain and nurture mustaches, such as mustache trimming instruments, combs and mirrors, and "DVD collections of 'Magnum P.I.' and 'Smokey and the Bandit.'"
This grass-roots movement to pass the Stache Act and promote the growing of labia sebuculas, as Yeutter terms them (Latin for "lip sweaters"), has attracted a number of famous and well-known names in the past year, including Ron Paul and the actresses from "All My Children." But perhaps none has been more notable than the Lorax, who offered an emotional and passionate plea for its passage, excerpted in part here:
But these good looks,
they come at a cost.
I must groom my nose foliage,
or else I’ll get lost.
And it is for those costs,
sought through the Stache Act.
The American Mustache Institute,
seeks returns from our tax."
But wait, you say. You're just promoting this cause because you're growing a mustache to raise money for the S.C. Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Preposterous. Of course not. No way. (Donate here and let me shave this ridiculous thing off.) On the contrary, this well-considered piece of legislation will help restore our nation to the equality it was founded upon and take it into the next phase of prosperity, a well-mustached one. And besides, if The Lorax is for it, who can be against it?